I’m a firm believer in not settling for second best in a partner, not because I am proud or because I am not a realist, quite the opposite, I believe we need to know ourselves including our weaknesses, also because I am a realist I know that imperfection leads to relationship break downs.
Let me take this moment to explain further “perfection” I am not speaking about a perfect human being because clearly there isn’t another one besides me out there, I am speaking of perfection for each individual’s wants and needs.
We all have a basic list of needs as humans to connect with:
- sense of humor
- moral values (including beliefs)
If any of these is lacking or missing I believe it leaves a relationship open to failure and separation, the more there is lacking the more your chances are of finally separating.
Let’s look at how these aspects of a relationship fit into the process of dating for a minute.
- Looks – you see a woman from across the room and you like what you see.
- Personality – you engage in conversation finding out more about the person and this helps with the daily compatibility.
- Sense of humor – the ability to make each other laugh daily.
- Intellect – it helps to solidify and create trust if your partner is on the same intellectual level for all aspects of the relationship and it’s growth i.e. to run a home or to discuss current affairs.
- Goals – This is vital for the future of any relationship especially if you compliment each others goals such as a husband wanting to focus on his career and his partner wanting to focus on her home and family.
- Moral Values – these are the foundations on which a healthy relationship can grow and flourish for example both partners sharing religious beliefs.
Now, imagine for one moment if you will any of these 1 – 6 are missing from your partner? It wont be a major issue in keeping a relationship going but for how long? Now imagine if you will numbers 2 and 3 are missing from the list and you are happy with 1/4/5 and 6, that is until a woman comes along with numbers 2 and 3, then suddenly you are attracted to 2 women at the same time for different reasons. Now, if you had a partner with all of the above 1-6 and met someone with all of the above 1-6 fighting the temptation is that much easier because you know what you have at home is perfect and you wouldn’t want to risk losing that, on top of her being perfect for you you share a history which is the icing on the cake. Imagine what you might be thinking when you meet that someone that fulfills the missing pieces in the imperfect partner, it might leave you thinking “I don’t get that with my partner.” or “this is fun, I don’t have this sort of fun with my partner.” or perhaps “my girlfriend is great but I don’t find her sexy, where as this new girl at work is very sexy.” These are all openers to an affair and discontent and the wondering “what if?”
This is why I say we should aim for perfection, to help us solidify our personal relationships and fulfill our personal needs. Obviously there are percentages to be considered on each level and the more they score the better, for example:
- Looks – Wow factor (for your sexual desire)
- Personality – understanding each other like old friends from day one
- Sense of humor – Trying not to wet yourself when joking around
- Intellect – Keeping up with in depth conversations around most subjects including general household administration
- Goals – not only compliment each other but encourage each other as well
- Moral values – being able to trust each other and not conflict regarding any given situation in life.
These are a great example of high percentage achievements in your relationship compatibility.
Now in the case of opposites attract, you’ll still find that although you might be different as individuals that doesn’t mean you can not be a perfect match on personal desires in a partner. You could be black and desire a white partner, you could be cleaver and desire an airhead, you could be silly and desire a level headed person, but ultimately it’s about what you want and what they want and as long as you complete each other’s list that’s all that counts.
I have seen too many relationship break ups over the years, always because of affairs or discontent, affairs being fundamentally because of discontent. The current divorce rate is about 50% and many of those are due to affairs or discontent, but how can there be discontent if you knew what you were getting into in the first place and they ticked all the right boxes? It just means you settled for second best in the first place.
But what if your partner changed over the years and ticked all the right boxes at first but doesn’t anymore? Then that would go back to the fact they never scored high on the “sharing goals” list because your goals should be to remain the person you both first fell in love with which goes back to proving that if you miss number 5 on the list or score low on it then it will lead to a break up.
Ultimately, Love is enough, but it has to be true love, that over shadowing true love that transcends the short falls, that blinds you to the weaknesses and makes the positives so amplified that there is no room for discontent. The true love that the Bible is famous for, and I quote:
1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.